110) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 4: Healing, when you hate yourself
In any case, you’re going to hate Backlash. And you’re going to feel like Backlash hates you too. No matter how many times you make excellent, rock-solid plans to “get better”, Backlash is, for sure, going to come along and screw them all up. That’s just what it does. Asking it not to is like asking a dog not to wag its tail or a cat not to act superior to the idiotic dog wagging its tail.
103) From Shitty-ness to Wellness: Part 3 - The Self-Improvement Treadmill and Its Perpetuation of Trauma
As you go through life and learn more about yourself, you may at some point decide to really take your well-being into your own hands, and DO SOMETHING about it. Some people succeed spectacularly in this quest, or at least it seems that way on Instagram. But no small number of us try, and try, and try, year after year, with our self-improvement goals and checklists and resolutions and vision boards and buddy systems and therapists and support groups and exercise programs and gurus and mindfulness leaders and spiritual books and self-help trends. And the next year, we’re still at it. Then the next decade.
102) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness: Part 2 - Stigmatization and the disempowerment of the struggling
When you find yourself struggling with mental illness, the “personal responsibility” mantra all-too-often reinforces the already-deeply-internalized sense that there is “something wrong with you”. Society’s stigmatization of those who struggle with mental health, coheres so seamlessly with that “inner critic” that it starts to seem accurate.
101) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness: Part 1 - Some Personal Thoughts on the Journey out of Hell
It doesn’t matter where you are or where you’ve been, in the sense that there is no value in judging yourself for that. It matters where you are heading, what direction you are pointing yourself in. If you’re pointing yourself towards wellness, honesty, healing, growth, then you deserve an inner standing ovation. Well done, hero-in-training! Well done.
98) The cure for The Dude's pain, is in The Dude's pain
You’re not special. Not any more than any other collection of atoms in the universe. Which is ok, because every single one is infinitely special. (And doesn’t actually exist as “an atom” anyway, but is indelibly interwoven into the whole Quantum enchilada.) So stop trying to convince yourself you’re “more special” than infinity.
Instead, feel. Everything. You’ll probably need help doing this. Which is, in some ways, exactly the point. Because “you” are not you, just like an atom isn’t an atom.
Embrace this. Your heart will open. And everything you once relied on for “coping” will seem so silly, when contrasted with Being itself.
This is not an idea. It’s as real as biting into an apple. Taking a shit. Moving your eyes back and forth to read these words.
You can do this.
97) Dear Abuser,
I once believed you were the Wizard, but behind the curtain, you are starving, sadly trying to subsist on mere illusions. As with all tyrants, I now see that you are a prisoner.
But long before I saw this, long before I had the intellectual scaffolding, the emotional distance, or the social validation to see that we both lived in a prison of your making, your words bathed me, held, soothed, formed, judged and condemned me.
96) Abuse, Trauma, Shame, and Healing
In an upcoming series of posts, I am going to explore the dynamics of the inner monster that seems to doom so many people to suffer lives of loneliness and limitation — Shame.
As we go through these posts, we’ll explore where Shame comes from, what it feels like, how it works, and how to heal and be transformed by it in a “positive” way.
Some of the posts will be experientially-written, poetic, descriptive or metaphoric. Some will be analytical and theoretical. Some will be practical, like a Wikihow article.
My goals/hopes are to touch your heart, sharpen your understanding, and help you build a skillset to heal from shame and free yourself.
94) The Day I Saw My Future Unfold
I read a love poem once. It was titled “The Day I Saw My Future Unfold.” It was about a walk in a forest. The vibrancy of life. Beauty. The ecstasy of truly trusting someone with your whole heart. It sounded so perfect.
I wonder if their future unfolded the way they saw it.
So often, it doesn’t.
But in any terrain, you choose your path.
93) How to Not Murder People, Stay Addicted, or Commit Suicide: Part 2 - The Representativeness Heuristic is Sus
Do you struggle with feelings of not being good enough? Do you know anyone who does? It seems pretty likely. Brené Brown’s TED talk on Shame has more than 50,000,000 views. That’s greater than the entire population of Canada. Shit, eh? There seems to be a lot of people who feel like they’re not good enough….
92) How to Not Murder People, Be Addicted, or Commit Suicide: Part 1 - Making Decisions During COVID
Instead of thinking carefully about things, we take cognitive shortcuts. We use mental “rules of thumb”, and we do so because, come on maaaan, if you thought carefully about EVERYTHING, life would suck. Life is way too complicated; there’s too much uncertainty in the world; and who has the time for that anyway? Just “use common sense” and get on with things.
Right?
Well, unfortunately, sometimes this could lead you to murdering somebody (unintentionally, in this case). It’s also a HUGE contributor to addiction (and almost everyone you know, including you probably, is addicted to things). It even can lead to suicide. And much of this could be avoided if people just understood, like really understood, the boring-sounding Representativeness Heuristic.
90) Gratitude Day 8: Loneliness
Loneliness is like a psychic heartbeat. It shows you that you are a creature of Love. You yearn for love. Not just to BE loved, like you want to consume other people and vampirically suck the love out of them. But TO love.
Loneliness tells you, moment by moment, that you are a fountain, a river, an ocean of love, and it is the sheer, relentless pain of loneliness that confirms that, irrefutably. For if you weren’t a creature of Love, then you wouldn’t be lonely. You would just “be”.
It is the very agony of loneliness that reflects your inner light. It is a Friend who visits, right in the depths of your suffering.
89) Jordan Peterson: In Conclusion - No Rules for Life
I don’t believe people need “rules,” any rules, for living an optimal life, and for creating an optimal society. Let me say that again — we don’t need Rules. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada.
88) Jordan Peterson: Part 7 - Psychology at the Ending of the World; Subsection 2 - The Doctrine of Original Awesomeness
Learning to be a responsible, productive, healthy, moral and reasonably successful human being does NOT come from rules. It comes from having one’s inner goodness nurtured, embraced, accepted and loved PLUS having one’s inner shittiness also embraced, accepted and loved, so that the power of being loved and accepted in our totality teaches us that we ARE “good”! We ARE worthwhile, beautiful, wonderful little beings. Maybe we don’t exactly behave that way all the time, but intrinsically, we are creatures of love, far more than we are creatures of selfishness.
87) Jordan Peterson: Part 7 - Psychology at the Ending of the World; Subsection 1: Where Jordan is Wrong AF
So along comes Jordan Peterson, with his “12 Rules for Life”, promising us the “antidote to chaos.” Like every snake-oil salesman of the past, his advice may very likely be ineffective, OR, ends up causing exactly the problem he is promising to cure. Based on the Judaeo-Christian framework which Jordan argues is the foundation of Western morality and ethics, this would be considered, well, downright evil.
85) Jordan Peterson, Part 6: The myth of "the myth of white/male privilege" - Subsection 2: Flat-Earthers, Climate change deniers, and Jordan Peterson on the Patriarchy
So Jordan, go tell the old Grannies of the world that they grew up just as empowered as their brothers, and emerged into womanhood with just as much power as men. That they had just as much say over their lives as their husbands. That they weren’t shamed for their sexuality (relative to males), impeded from entering business and professional workspaces (relative to males), had the same types of economic opportunities (relative to males), suffered the same amounts of criticism and humiliation and violence in their homes (relative to males), etc.
And when you convince the world’s grannies and aunties that there is no Patriarchy, then ok, you win.
84) Jordan Peterson, Part 6: The Myth of "the Myth of White/Male Privilege" -- Subsection 1: Nobody should care about this essay
The issue, for me, is that Jordan’s claim that male privilege is a myth is so thoroughly absurd that it’s actually difficult to address. Practically all of history, all of life experience growing up in this culture, and countless personal stories, indicate that Jordan is virtually delusional on this topic.
83) How the fuck can you manage stress when the whole world is going to shit?
So let’s not talk about healing right now. Let’s not worry about you being insecure, or having a difficult childhood, or having addictions, or having anger problems, or having trauma, or whatever your shitty stuff is, let’s not talk about THAT right now. We’re going to talk about that in future posts, when we talk about healing from trauma. But for now, let’s talk about laying the foundation — which is “basic functionality.” Laying THAT foundation is EXACTLY the same as trying to cope during a crisis.
76) Dances with Wolves, Part2: Relationship patterns with Gas-lighters, Narcissists and Spiritual Predators
WSCs, abusers, cult leaders, tyrannical leaders, toxic ‘friends’ — they want you all to themselves. They want to control your reality as much as they can. And because they know that other people might see through their bullshit and warn you, they do everything they can to convince you that THOSE PEOPLE are the untrustworthy ones. Only you and the WSC, in your nice little soul-mate bubble of trust, are the Good Ones.
75) Dances with Wolves, Part 1: Gas-lighters, Narcissists, and Spiritual Predators
I would like to explore some patterns of destructive behaviour that people far-too-often experience in their intimate relationships especially, and we’ll focus on three “types of people:” gas-lighters, narcissists, and spiritual predators. Although these are not exactly the same things, there’s a solid ‘family resemblance’ between them. So let’s call them Wolves In Sheeps’ Clothing (WSCs).
74) The Law of Attraction -- A Favourite Weapon of Abusers
Many people believe in the Law of Attraction. Itʼs practically a truism for many (not all, thank god) personal-growth devotees, spiritual practitioners, New Agey-types, go-getters and motivational coaches. Itʼs a truism for the people who write books and sell inspirational videos about….the Law of Attraction. They make tons of sweet, sweet cash off it. Thatʼs because they BELIEVE in it!
See? It works!