163) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 16: The Final Step to Rational Self-analysis; Sub-section 4 -- Eating Better
With cooking, there are a few basic heuristics, that can REVOLUTIONIZE your cooking. Without becoming an expert, without memorizing a bunch of stuff, without following a bunch of recipes, you can still turn yourself from a frozen-pizza type of cook, to “Hey! This is really good!” type of cook.
162) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 16 - The Final Step to Rational Self-analysis; Sub-section 3 -- The Life-Altering Sorcery of Combining CONTEXT with Competence
The more precise you can get, in terms of the behaviours you need to undertake in order to accomplish your goals, the better. Because, once you have precisely identified The Things you need to Do, then, as illustrated above, you can pull the precise CONTEXTUAL levers that you need, in order to make Doing The Thing into the default, the Thing that is practically the easiest to do in that situation.
161) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 16: The Final Step to Rational Self-analysis; Sub-section 2 -- The Power of Context
The thing to emphasize for effective goal pursuit is emphatically NOT “taking personal responsibility.” While not COMPLETELY unimportant (obviously), this whole “make your bed” mantra is only a tiny, tiny piece of the puzzle, and if over-focused on, it becomes basically a huge, shaming, blaming, counterproductive, disempowering lie.
160) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 16: The Final Step to Rational Self-analysis; Sub-section 1: Give Up Your Willpower
Maaaan, you walk out of that theatre, your heart elevated, your eyes a little more open, your mind spinning with visions of your future awesomeness. You are READY!! Like, tomorrow, as soon as you wake up, you are STARTING. Success is YOURS. RRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
124) From Shitty-ness to Well-ness, Part 10: Finding out who you really are: Rational self-analysis
The family of techniques I am calling “rational self-analysis”, work, therefore, by orienting you towards things that are compatible with your “authenticity”. As you decide, discover, and become more aware of “who you really are”, you will therefore pattern your life more effectively around things that are compatible with your authentic self. Instead of running around trying to please other people all the time, or trying to hide or make up for your perceived deficiencies, or trying to “cope” with the stresses of life, you will instead be more capable at exercising your agency effectively. You will become a more powerful actor in the world.
34) Less than half, and none of the important ones: Part 4
I believe that healing starts with feeling.
Feeling the truth of your pain. Feeling the ache of loneliness that seems to open into infinite blackness in your heart. Feeling the guilt that eats away at you for the ways you know, deep down inside, that you have failed people, or yourself. Feeling your awfulness. Your grief. Your desperation. Your failures. If you don’t first stop and FEEL the soft, suffering animal that you are, then you will spend your life trying to hammer yourself into shape. This won’t make you stronger; it will just make you bruised and broken and exhausted. The “road to self-improvement” will become more like a hamster wheel, a treadmill that takes you nowhere.
33) Less than half, and none of the important ones: Part 3
“She said she had made a list of all the qualities she wanted in a partner. At the end, she concluded, “he has less than half. And none of the important ones.”
This was the end of my sanity, for a long time. I don’t know why. I just stopped being a person. I was a blank page. And anything written on me turned into invisible ink.
…..Less than half, and none of the important ones. I hate that phrase. It still haunts me, practically every day.”
32) Less than half, and none of the important ones: Part 2
Independence is a delusion. And it’s a dangerous one. Anyone who has been abused knows the deep truth of interdependence, right in their very bodies. The assaulted. The betrayed. The terrorized. The gas-lighted. But also the lonely. The invisible. The unwanted. The ridiculed and rejected.
People live out, in their consciousnesses, their bodies’ attempts to ‘process’ what has happened to them in life; we construct our entire ‘selves’ around this problem of body-world adaptation. It’s good to remember that.
31) Less than half, and none of the important ones: Part 1
Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone’s harshness? Criticism? Gas-lighting? Name-calling? Bullying? Shaming? Humiliating? Lying?
Well, “sticks and stones may break your bones but words….”
Just stop. Right there. Because “words can never hurt you” is absolute, dangerous, bullshit. Words can break your heart, poison your mind, even destroy your life.
12) Ninja Training, Part 3: My first Habit
You will probably find this implicit layer of self-criticism and disappointment/rejection behind most of your own failed goal attempts. this is your “Inner Critic.” We’re going to talk more in the future about what to do about this nasty person most of us have allowed to take up residence in our psyche. But for now, we can’t slay, or heal that Inner Critic here, so we’re going to outsmart it instead.
11) Ninja Training, part 2: WISE goals
I am presenting to the world, the Dolderman Theory of Intrinsic Motivation. This is rooted in complex systems thinking, humanistic psychology, and modern integrative social-developmental neuroscience. But for now, let’s stick with the fun, useful part.
My claim: WISE goals rule, especially for long-term happiness. They wipe the walls with those silly SMART goals we’re always being coached to set….
What are WISE goals? They are Wicked, Illuminating, Sexy, and Effervescent
10.1) Important theory stuff if you're skeptical about Intrinsic Motivation
Rather than our culture’s general obsession with “happiness”, this deeper kind of fulfillment hearkens back to the ancient idea of eudaimonia (you-die-moan-ee-ah). Which, when you spell it out phonetically like that, sounds pretty morbid. But it’s actually way cooler than dying and moaning. It roughly means “excellence”.
10) Ninja Training -- Habit Change, part 1 (or how to stop "being a loser")
One thing life has taught me, is that my generically good intentions to do cool things with myself in the future, usually don’t pan out, if left to ‘just happen.’ I haven’t learned the languages or instruments I thought I would have, travelled to most of the places, donated as much time or money to helping people, watched as many sunsets. It’s the classic problem. And sure, I’ve done some cool things in my life…but there’s so much I’ve never gotten around to…
9) Stop trying to hit me. And hit me!
But have I ever “really engaged”? Seen what I could really do? Rose to the challenges of my own desire for personal growth and authenticity? Or have I merely placated my desires with the fantasy of “that time in the future” — when I yell my battle cry, shake the dust out of my soul, and “really give ‘er”. And man, it’s gonna be GLORIOUS! I’m going to change EVERYTHING!