292) The Salvation of Eden, Chapter 56 — From Shame to Freedom, the First Step

Over these same few days, Lenny and Devona, working together, were able to teach Kohra and Reilly the flame-ball trick, until each of them could conjure a small ball of fire into their hands and throw it. As they practiced together, they started to understand how differently each of them approached the Flux. Their practice became more subtle, more intuitive, and consequently, each person ended up with strikingly different manifestations of what had started as the same “spell.”

To Lenny, heat and cold were simply two sides of the same coin. She could throw fire blasts, frost blasts, balls, discs, even spear-like projectiles of fire and ice, switching back and forth between them without difficulty. Although she still preferred her FrostBolt. Working with fire felt…weird. But it was easy.

Devona's “FlameBall” became more like crackling dark energy than fire. She seemed as surprised as anyone else, and couldn’t (or said she couldn’t) explain why it took such a different form. But there was no doubt that she was skilled; she was much faster than Kohra, and could summon more raw power than even Lenny.

Reilly took to flame-balls like a squirrel to tree-climbing, playing with the fire, stretching and spinning it in all sorts of different ways, until before long, not only could she throw a flame-ball, she could twirl fire into a lasso, and even shape it into a flaming sword! Cackling maniacally, shooting fire all over the place, and hacking the heads off snowmen with her flaming sword, Reilly was clearly having The Best Time Ever.

And Kohra finally realized why fire had always been so difficult. It just wasn't her thing; she just didn’t like it and it was as simple as that. Although with enough focus and determination, she could conjure it a little, and her spinning fire-pizza was pretty cool, she couldn’t do much else. When she threw a FlameBall, it fizzled out within a couple of feet, and she found it increasingly hard not to compare herself to the others.

Clearly, she was different from the others, who were having, pun intended, a blast. Reilly was exploding and melting snowmen as fast as Melkorn could make them, giggling with manic glee. Lenny was practicing shooting small jets of fire out of different fingers, creating a fan effect. And Devona’s DarknessBalls were becoming so powerful she was practically a snowman with each shot.

* * * * *

As is so often the case, Kohra’s “failure” was the beginning of true growth. She finally gave up trying to conjure fire, and instead just felt into the Flux with a “beginner’s mind,” like Ms B had always encouraged. She felt into its currents, its ebbs and flows, like a surfer paddling around waiting for the right wave. Remembering the sheer thrill of the Flux, she began to play.

And finally, after so many years of pursuing what she thought she OUGHT to be able to do, Kohra found “her thing.”

Instead of a FlameBall, she could create a ForceBall, like a small stone of pure, invisible solidity in her hand. And it felt right, somehow. Intuitive. Like this was how she was MEANT to wield the Flux.

Although this was a truly fun discovery, she had to admit, it wasn't exactly impressive. It wasn’t even a ball, more like a pebble. And if she threw it, nobody could even see where it went. She still felt pretty ridiculous.

So eventually, she’d had enough practice for one day, and turned back toward Grok’s cabin, happy to finally get some alone time. Besides, Grok’s cabin was a veritable treasure trove, and she did want to snoop around. The woman seemed to have collected everything, apparently over centuries! Kohra hadn’t known that people could actually live that long. What kind of person lives for centuries?

After she had been sitting in the middle of a random pile of objects that Melkorn had knocked over, patiently sorting things into categories, Grok joined her, silently at first, respecting the “vibe” that Kohra was projecting. But as they sorted together, through treasures, some of which she hadn’t seen for decades Grok’s enthusiasm couldn’t be contained; she felt like a child who had stumbled across a storage box full of old toys they’d practically forgotten about.

Soon, she was telling Kohra stories, and once again, Kohra was swept into the adventures of another person’s life, the cabin filling with laughter and exclamations of delight.

Kohra was reminded of Juanita, and their evenings of camaraderie back at the Inn. This, in turn, took Kohra back to a couple of years ago, when she had started visiting Ms B outside of school, hanging out at her house, gardening, raking leaves, singing. Their friendship had started to mature past the “student-teacher” relationship they'd had up to that point, deepening into a real friendship. And now, she was starting to feel similarly toward Grok.

* * * * *

And then, in a small stack of books, they did find a treasure — a real, honest-to-goodness, life-changing, Kohra-couldn’t-believe-her-eyes kind of treasure.

It was a book, obviously very old, leather cover cracked and flaking, inner pages tattered and yellowed. Immediately, she could tell it was written in Old Elvish, the script beautifully calligraphic. She gasped audibly. This was The language of Magic.

Grok’s eyes sparkled. “I wondered where this had been hiding!” She paused, appraising Kohra with an incomprehensibly playful gaze. “You don’t happen to read Old Elvish, do you?”

Kohra’s blushed furiously. “Uh, not very well, but I’ve studied it some. It was kind of a hobby when I was a kid.” She gathered her courage, feeling every bit the foolish child with an imagination too big for her britches, as her Uncle Stan used to say. “Um, would you mind? You know, if I….”

“It's yours,” Grok replied matter-of-fact, the book floating up to Kohra’s chest as though carried by an invisible hand.

Kohra sputtered, blushing even more furiously, “What? No! I didn't mean….”

Grok laughed. “My dear girl, I’ve been holding onto this for more years than you might believe. Maybe you're the person I've been keeping it for.” She winked. “It did let you find it, after all.”

Kohra held the tattered pages reverently. She had ALWAYS wanted to find a bonafide Book of Magic, and here, in some weird cabin in the mountains, her wish finally came true.

She didn’t know what to say, and finally settled on a quavering, “Thank you; with all my heart, thank you.”

* * * * *

Later that evening, with great excitement, she sat Devona down on a chair. “Close your eyes and hold out your hands.”

Devona looked charmingly uncertain, one eyebrow cocked as she tentatively closed her eyes, holding out her hands gingerly, as though she was about to pull them away at any moment. But it wasn’t like Kohra to play jokes on people. Now, if it was Dominic telling her to close her eyes, that would be a different story….

As soon as she felt the soft leather, she knew it was a book, and a shiver ran up her spine. Somehow, she just knew. “Can I look?” she practically begged. “Now??”

“Yes!” Kohra’s voice shook.

Dev’s eyes flew open, then widened like Kohra had never seen before as she squealed in surprise. They both burst out laughing, Kohra hugging her, laughing and crying at the same time.

It was a perfect moment.

A mere minute later, they sat, side by side, transfixed, silent, studying the symbols, trying to piece together their meaning. It felt like they were back in Ms B’s class, their minds opening to the mysteries of existence.

Despite her joy, Kohra felt a small twinge, like somehow, something was being taken away from her. Or maybe it was just that Dev was so confident, took charge so immediately, leading them through the symbol passages she thought they should start with.

The feeling passed quickly. After all, this WAS how they studied together; Dev was always “the boss.”

Anyway, Kohra just KNEW this was meant to be. Her and Dev were going to become Arch-Mages together! Side-by-side. She knew in her heart that this was Right. Her and Dev “got” each other. They were partners. She hesitated at the thought (memories of Juanita flitting guiltily through her mind), but she just knew it was true.

Deciphering the text was a stiff challenge, to say the least. Although they had a basic working knowledge of Old Elvish, the complexity of this text was far beyond anything they had encountered before.

From what they could understand, the text was arranged in four different lessons. They named these: Weaving, Magnifying, Amplifying, and “Surrendering,” although they didn’t agree on “Surrendering”, but that was the name that Dev insisted upon.

* * * * *

Weaving was what they were already doing when they played with the FlameBalls. All of the alterations they came up with, from the fire lasso to the fire pizza to Reilly’s flaming sword, were alterations of the Flux that could be understood as a process of Weaving the same energy in different patterns (although exactly what was meant by “energy” wasn’t entirely clear; Kohra mentally replaced the word “energy” with “Flux” and then it seemed to make sense).

She wasn’t sure if Devona’s DarknessBall or her own “ForcePebble” (she felt sheepish, thinking about this), were also a kind of Weaving, or something altogether different. It was possible that ALL these different effects came from the core practice of blending flows of the Flux together in different ways, like how a painter would blend colours into a picture, or a potter would blend the clay and water and spinning motion with the subtle motions of their hands and fingers to coax the clay into a specific shape.

One of the passages of the text likened it to the process of harmonizing when one sings. Weaving the Flux was like playing with the melody and finding the sounds that harmonize well and the others that don’t. Weaving was both intuitive and highly focused, like singing, or dancing, or humour, or cooking, or just about any form of creative endeavour. Kohra liked this part. It felt like something she already understood, sort of.

* * * * *

Magnifying, as well as she understood it, was about feeling the currents, the ebbs and flows and swirls and spikes, within the Flux more precisely, like when you look at your fingers through a magnifying glass and see the whorls and lines of your fingerprints in greater detail.

Kohra loved this part. She wasn’t very good at it, but it was super-cool, and she quickly understood how getting better at this would help her Weave more effectively as well. Nevertheless, Magnifying seemed to involve a level of precise focus that she found near-impossible. But maybe, with practice?

* * * * *

Amplifying was about channeling more and more energy, bringing more of the Flux into yourself, or perhaps through yourself, and as a result, making your “magic” more powerful. The text described it like a child on a swing, pumping their legs and body-weight in a rhythm so as to “grow” the energy, thereby swinging higher and higher.

Kohra found this part intellectually interesting, but quite opaque. The only times she had “magnified” the Flux successfully were when she felt emotionally unhinged and was losing control. But the book described ways of learning to do that intentionally, and…she just didn’t get it.

Parts of the description did remind her of what it felt like when she linked together with Dev and Lenny to form the Arc.  In those moments, she could FEEL the ebb and flow of the Flux, the back and forth waves, and although it became quickly overwhelming when they were linked, it was undeniable that somehow, they generated vastly more power than any of them could do alone. It occurred to her that it was probably Lenny; she seemed to have an intuitive control over the Flux, and was able to stabilize their energies and encourage their ebbs and flows into ever-greater heights of power.
But learning about it how to do this herself, made Kohra severely uncomfortable. Amplifying was so dangerous! She had even set herself on fire, unintentionally. It is why Gorb taught her about “d’swingin’ doorrr.” It’s what heightened her abilities in certain moments when her emotions overtook her. If this power was strengthened in a person, if the full impact of rage and anger, love and hate, could be channeled into raw Power, then was there any limit to what a person could do with the Flux? Should anyone wield such power?

Luckily perhaps, it seemed incredibly complicated. The text laid out long, detailed passages of exercises and rituals designed to heighten one’s ability to Amplify, and pour the full energy of their “heart-Being” into their powers.  Other than grasping the barest understanding of what it was all about, the details would require far more study to even begin to understand. Both of them agreed, they would set aside Amplifying as a longer-term project.

Dev grabbed her hand at that moment, squeezing her fingers and exchanging a giddy smile. “This is so exciting!” Kohra nodded, smiling.

* * * * *

Then there was the fourth section, what Dev insisted they call “Surrendering.” As Kohra lay in bed later that night, she reflected on the argument it had sparked between the two of them. Dev was so sure it was about Surrendering that she just wouldn’t listen to Kohra’s interpretation. Well, that’s not true; she did listen, but in that way that people listen only so they can show you how wrong you are.

Dev said that it was about putting your ego aside, stepping outside of yourself so that you could become open to what she called a “larger Wisdom.” In her most authoritative “instructor” tone, she told Kohra, “It’s the ultimate lesson, Kohra. But it requires that you accept the difficult truth that you, by yourself, are really not very powerful. Instead of relying upon your own capabilities, the ultimate lesson you must learn is to put yourself aside, to open yourself to a Higher Power.”

To Kohra, this sounded not only wrong, but dangerous. Hadn’t Ms. B cautioned them, repeatedly, against exactly this? This is why they were taught those lessons about Dark Spirits, and the need for magical protections when working with the Flux! She explained all this to Devona, reminding her of how this didn’t fit with some of their most fundamentally important lessons!

But Dev disagreed. She insisted that Kohra had only a limited understanding and just wasn’t willing to see things from a larger perspective. She insisted that Kohra was attached to her own perspective and wasn’t willing to see things from anyone else’s point of view. It always went like this, if you dared to disagree with Devona. You were always turned into the “closedminded” one.

But to Kohra, it should be called Attuning. It wasn’t about giving yourself up to some larger consciousness, but practically the opposite! It was about FEELING, more and more intimately, with more of your body, more of your emotions, more of your Being. It was about learning to be open, to soften. It was about making yourself vulnerable, feeling with pure openness the truth of your actions, including the full pain and terror of what your power could do to other living beings. In short, it was about the courage to take full, intimate, responsibility for your actions. Whereas Dev was abdicating exactly that, and giving up the responsibility to some so-called “Higher Power.”

To Kohra, it seemed like Dev was grasping for Power, whereas her way was to release the need to control anything, and instead enter into a more sensitive, subtle relationship with Reality. No matter how much Dev tried to convince her that she “just didn’t get it,” she couldn’t shake the feeling that at a deep level, Dev was acting from fear, whereas her way stemmed from love.

As usual, their disagreement started as a discussion. But, also as usual, it escalated quickly until it felt like Dev was just lecturing her. Kohra felt foolish, and frustrated, and eventually shut down, waiting for it to be over.

By the end, Kohra apologized, telling Dev that she had been right all along and Kohra just hadn’t understood. Arguments between them usually ended this way. As far as Kohra could tell, there was no other option except to eventually admit defeat.

But she still thought Dev was wrong. And was scared for her. Ms. B had taught them so much about the importance of Wisdom, and to recognize the siren call of Power. Kohra felt in her heart that Dev was turning away from those lessons. That was a dark, dark path. She hoped Dev would come to her senses and remember their lessons. Maybe she was just caught up, right now, in the excitement of the moment?