231) Who, really, are your friends? Some reflections during the often-weirdly-lonely holidays
There have been many times I've felt very alone in this world, despite knowing at some intellectual level that I'm not. But in the heart? Things can be very different than in one's rational understanding.
I was talking with a friend the other day with whom I study chess once a week, and we were talking about this whole feeling of being alone in the world. And it occurred to me at some point in the conversation, that even in times of quite-significant-aloneness, I have friends I keep in touch with through letters. I have a Facebook community comprised of people I've known from as early as age 4 (not including my sisters, of course, who I have known since age 0!) ? And then there's the former classmates from elementary school, high school, undergrad, grad school. There's people I've worked with at one of the, oh, three dozen or so different jobs I've had. There's former roommates. And the former students from my teaching years, many, many of whom I now consider dear friends.
About once a week, I get a message, or run into someone on the street, from 'long ago'. Usually former UofT students, because over 16 years I did teach about 25,000 of them, and got to know many dozen at least every year. They are now all over the world, working in everything from medicine and education, to DJ-ing, to being hobos and traveling around the world, being moms and dads, writers, and indeed, chess players. And yes, sometimes they end up being the person standing nearby on the subway or attending some random festival or just walking down the street and it's ALWAYS, always a lovely, heart-lifting surprise to see each other again and chat for a few minutes. (Note: This happened literally last night, from a student I never even met but who was one of the 1000+ sitting in my class one semester...)
I honestly don't know how many people would consider me "friend" vs. "acquaintance" or "someone I knew once". But to me, there are hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of people I know, remember fondly, wish the best for, and would gladly go have a coffee with. Even if we don't communicate very often, or literally not at all since the time in which our life-paths crossed, I consider them friends, and if they ever reached out, I would be delighted to hear from them.
And then??? Well, then there's the "ripple effects" of one's life. How many people do we affect through our words and actions who we may not ever meet? We affect them through the "6 degrees of separation" that connect us all, and as we love and laugh and share with the people we know, we plant seeds in their consciousness that they then share with the people they know. Etc.etc....forever. So, how many people? It's impossible to count. Millions? Billions? Damn near everybody?
Truly, we're never alone. And when we feel we are and that nobody cares, I suspect all it takes is some courage to reach out, and the social web responds, helping us realize that we're embraced in a web of friendship, far greater than we generally appreciate.
So....yeah. I still have my times of feeling crushingly insignificant, alone, even unlikable. But it's not true. It never is, and it never was.