214) The Salvation of Eden, Chapter 46 -- Like a farting contest between whales

It was their seventeenth morning out of Annuvin. The air was especially chill, frozen dew turning the grasses of the Steppes into a sea of sparkling tendrils, like frozen flames. They were on the edge of a small forest, stunted trees managing to carve out a living amongst the meager resources of the rocky foothills. 

Kohra and Gorb were the first awake, kindling a small fire, intending to fry up the remainder of the wild leeks and mushrooms they had foraged the day before, when a large flock of birds suddenly took to the air somewhere over the next rise. They were a fair distance away.

She shook Dominic awake, pointing at the sky. He was on his feet in an instant. “Something’s coming! Everybody up! Mount up! Lenny! NOW!!”

They scrambled for their whinnying, already-prancing horses, skittish with mounting alarm. 

A tremor vibrated through the ground with a deep THUD like a boulder falling out of the sky. Then another, and another, accelerating to a rhythmic THUD-THUD-THUD that shook the ground like an earthquake. The horses bolted, impossible to restrain, tearing down the path, baggage only half-secured, equipment spilling onto the ground. Only Dominic managed to mount, but couldn’t get control of his mare as she bucked and reared. He barely jumped off without getting trampled, letting the poor animal run after the others. Nocking an arrow the moment he was on his feet, he turned to face the crashing. 

Melkorn and Gorb stood poised, weapons drawn, Kohra, Lenny and Devona grouped behind, in their now-customary triangle, each preparing to Connect to the Flux. Riley held the rear, Wand out. This is what they had trained for.

What they hadn’t trained for then stomped into view, heads bigger than hay wagons peering over the trees. Two enormous creatures, vaguely humanoid but bigger than farmhouses, flattened entire trees as they barrelled through the forest, each one uglier than the other. Their heads, as big as they were, were far too small for their enormous bodies. Thick cords of veins, endless rolls of skin and fat, patches of hairy scabs — they looked sort oflike grotesque, diseased, walking trees.

The “shorter” one stood three, maybe four times Kohra’s height, and almost as wide, like a woodpile with arms. Slung over its shoulder dangled the bloody carcass of a large, half-eaten animal, like a mountain yak or a king moose. The creature had no weapons or equipment, or clothing, abruptly rolling to a halt in a wide part of the path they had all been blithely camping on just moments before. One of its heavily muscled arms worked a long, white stick, like a bone, in its mouth. It looked like it was cleaning hunks of meat out of its teeth. The stench of rotting meat wafted through the air, bathing the little clearing in a cloud of putrefaction. Kohra felt like throwing up.

The second one was much, much taller than the first, looming over them like a hairy flesh-mountain. In one hand, it hefted an entire tree, branches, roots and all, like a club. 

“Mmmrrrrrgggglllbbbbbrrrrrrnnnnmmmmm,” the shorter one grumbled, sniffing the air. The flesh-mountain stopped, also sniffing thoughtfully, then pointed a bulbous, warty finger at one of the nearby trees, an old oak, now clearly dead with the trunk broken off about forty feet up. 

The shorter one nodded. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Kohra could see Gorb and Melkorn backing away, ever-so-slowly, staying low to the ground. She did the same. Maybe, by some miracle….

Flesh-Mountain hefted the tree, holding it under his armpit so that the branches and leaves stuck out behind like woody armpit hair. The trunk, he held like a bat. Then he paused. It was almost like he was taking aim, although Kohra couldn’t imagine such a creature needing to be so intentional about anything. Then, with surprising delicacy, he smashed his tree-club into the dead one, hunks of bark and wood spraying into the air. 

Flesh-Mountain paused, like he was waiting for something, then wound up and gave the dead tree a second surgical strike, in the exact same spot. 

A entire family of terrified raccoons suddenly burst out of a hole about thirty feet up, dashing desperately along the branches toward freedom. Flesh-Mountain’s tree-club whistled in front of them, smashing the network of branches. The raccoons wheeled backward, scrambling for another path to safety. 

THWACK! Flesh-Mountain’s gnarled fist cracked the raccoon’s final branch, flinging them into the air. Yelping, two were caught by the Short One in mid-air, while the beast managed to crunch a third under its foot as the poor critter tried to scramble away on the ground. Only two escaped, their ringed tails waving goodbye to their family as they dashed away. 

Kohra watched, frozen in horror, as the Short One casually tossed a screeching raccoon up to Flesh-Mountain. They each made a gesture with their fists and a short, loud sound halfway between a belch and a thunderclap, and without further ado, popped the poor animals into their mouths.

Crunching and smacking. 

The Short One pointed down at the smushed raccoon under its foot. “MmmBBLLppmmrfff?”

Kohra again felt like throwing up. Not now, Kohra, just breathe, just breathe. Fighting down the nausea, she resumed backing, inch by inch, toward the cover of the trees.

Lenny stood perfectly still, listening and watching. She found herself drawn in a strange way to the garbled utterances of the brutes. It didn’t sound like meaningless grunts; it was too patterned; there were too many nuances. And there was something about their bodies too, the way they were interacting with each other. It was obviously language, but it was more than verbal, more like how animals communicate.

She needed to gather more clues. 

She felt into the Flux, feeling the waves and whirls swirling and pulsing out from these immense creatures. She could feel them, like wind. Or music. 

And all of a sudden, she started to feel along with them, to understand the movements of their faces and the shifting posture of their bodies. Without a doubt, they were communicating! 

She focused more intensely, opening her senses fully to the creatures’ “music.” Immediately, powerful emotions hit her, waves and waves of emotion so overwhelming that Lenny was thrust into a state of awe. Silent, open, wondrous awe. 

But…this didn’t make sense! Vaguely, her mind scrambled to understand. These feelings, these completely overwhelming waves, weren’t at all what she was expecting. No bloodlust, no anger or anything that she would have expected from beasts who could terrify a whole family of raccoons out of their home and eat them on the spot. 

Instead, the feelings were more like…gratitude? Respect. Profound respect. It was like that “hushed” feeling she’d gotten once when entering the Sanctum of the Sun Elves. She couldn’t remember why she’d been there; it was too long ago, when she was very young. But that sense of “ancient power,” of being in the presence of forces that are far, far greater than your own self, is what she felt right now emanating from these horrifying creatures. The feelings were so strong that Lenny, of all people, wanted to fall to her knees in worship. It just didn’t make sense. 

Flesh-Mountain slammed his meaty hand onto the Short One’s shoulder, a blow that would crush a normal-sized person. 

(Lenny heard, “Your Sacrifice, Your Food. Llaww Good.”)

The Short One grunted and spat onto the ground.

(Lenny heard, “For Llaww, My Honour!”)

He peeled the flattened raccoon off the ground, holding its body up to the sky, roaring. 

(Lenny heard, “To Scarred One! All Blood, Your Blood!”)

Then he dropped it into his open mouth. 

Crunch. 

This time, Kohra couldn’t help it, vomiting, as quietly and unobtrusively as she could, into the grass by her feet. She wiped her mouth and looked up. They hadn’t noticed, pleased as they were with their snacks. 

The monstrous creatures thumped the dead tree some more, evidently looking for any remaining snacks that might still be hiding. 

Kohra backed up, closer to the forest. Just a few more seconds. A few more steps….

The Short One turned around, looking in her direction. She froze, daring not even a breath. Picking up the bloody animal carcass again, it started down the path. Flesh-Mountain seemed to give up on the tree as well and turned to follow. 

Kohra kept her eyes on the Short One. It was going to pass right by her; if she hadn’t backed up those few extra feet, it would have stepped right on her. 

It was almost to her, then passing, passing. Stay still. They’ll keep going. They’ll just keep going. Please please please please please keep going.

Suddenly the Short One stopped, grunting. Flesh-Mountain kept walking while the Short One looked down at his foot. It stuck a thick finger between two of its toes, then brought it up to the hole in its face that seemed to be its nose. 

Kohra realized it had stepped in her vomit at exactly the same moment that he realized she was looking at him.

“GRMMMPPHHLLLGGRR!!” (or something like that). 

(Lenny heard, “Little Hooman?”)

Then he noticed the others, standing just a few short paces from the trees. “PKKTRLLLGMMPHH!!” (or something like that).

(Lenny heard, “More Little Hoomans!!”)

He shook his fist in the air and made a kind of belching sound.

(Lenny heard, “Praise Llaww!”)

Dropping the animal carcass onto the ground, the Short One squinted, trying to figure out how many Little Hoomans there were. After all, too many Little Hoomans together, and they’d get up to no good. He knew that from experience. 

Flesh-Mountain had also figured out by this point that something out of the ordinary was happening, and he stopped walking, swinging his huge head around, making a sound like a hundred pumpkins being squished all at once. 

(Lenny heard, “Why Hoomans here? Not LLaWW!!”) 

The Short One squinted around at the Little People, as though he was trying to see them clearly. He pointed a thick finger at Melkorn. “LLleeadderrr?”

“Uh, n-no!” Melkorn stammered. “My name’s Melkorn. Melkorn! Not Llleeaaadduurrr. But, nice to meet you!” He grinned. Melkorn always tried to be friendly. 

The creature kept staring at Melkorn. “Whhooo Llleeaaadduurrr?” he tried again.

Melkorn stared back, trying to decipher the meaning of the guttural slurry. “Um. Me, Melkorn! Not Llleeeaddoouurrrrr.” He tried very hard to get the pronunciation right. “Uh. I don’t know him. Uh, sorry!”  Melkorn grinned. 

Flesh-Mountain stood up to his full height, scratching his head. Then he made a deep booming sound. “Yyyooouuuuu Fffuunnnnyyyy Hooommmaannnn. Nnooo Eeeaattt Yyyoouuuu.”

“GLLLMMMBBBRRRGGGHHHH!” the Short One said. 

(Lenny heard, “He Choose Companion. Llaww says.”)

Flesh-Mountain slammed his tree trunk onto the ground with a loud, branch-snapping crash, then addressed Melkorn, struggling to form barely recognizable words.. “Lllaaawwww Sssaayyysss Yyoouuu Keeepppp FFRRIENNNDDD. Yyoouuu Ppiicckkk FFRRIENNNDDD Nnoowww. WWeeee nnooottt EEAatt hhiimmmM.”

“YYEEESSSHH! PPRRAAAISHHE LLAWW!” shouted the Short One. 

“Now ye stop rrrright dere!” Gorb stepped forward menacingly, hammer raised. “Yerrr not eatin’ anyone today!”

“SSHHTTRRONNNGG EEEATT WWEEEAKK!” the Short One responded, in a perfectly reasonable, albeit thundering, tone. “LLAWW SSHAAYYSSH!!”

“Beeko!!” Gorb shouted, crouching behind his shield. Melkorn raised his axe, roaring “HAMMERRR!!” while Reilly attuned to her wand, Dominic fired his arrow, and Kohra, Dev and Lenny, Connected to the Flux. 

Without hesitation, Flesh-Mountain tossed his tree straight at the lot of them. Branches and leaves rushed indiscriminately at Kohra’s face, body, everywhere, all around, knocking her off her feet to land hard on her back in a tangle of branches. She tried to crawl, but something stabbed painfully into her leg. She screamed, crawling anyway, desperate to get away.

A moment later, the branches were lifted off of her, high into the air, leaving her completely exposed. Her leg was bleeding heavily; she tried scrambling backwards but the stabs of pain were too much. She sunk into the ground, sobbing in pain. Flesh-Mountain, towering above, pointed his finger at something Kohra couldn’t see and grumbled something that sounded like a farting contest between whales. 

(Lenny heard, “Who CHILD?”)

“You two should be ashamed of yourselves!!” a growly, high-pitched voice screeched. 

Kohra looked around quickly, trying to see what was going on. Melkorn was scrambling to his feet; Devona, Reilly and Dominic were crawling towards the trees; Gorb was standing, shield up, war-hammer at the ready. And Lenny…Lenny?

Off to one side, near where Lenny had been standing, a young, much shorter ogre-like creature stood, shaking its fists at the much bigger ones. “This is not Llaww! These are MINE!” she shrieked. She sounded like…an angry Lenny. Only more growly.

The Short One pulled up to his full height, surprised, letting out a burbly belch mixed with a deep throaty sloshing.

(Lenny heard, “Child Look Wrong, Smell Wrong. Wear Clothes! Have No Honour!”)

Flesh-Mountain belched back, sticking his finger in his ear and wiggling it around.

(Lenny heard, “Silent too. No TrueSpeak.”) 

The Short One jabbed a finger toward the Child. “CCUURRSSHHEDD, YYOOUUU AARRRE. NNOTT BBEEELLLONNNGG HHHEEERE! LLAAWW SSHAAYYSSH LLEEEAVVE NNOOOWW!””

The Large One, hefting the tree over its shoulder, grumbled “YYBLRRDDGGMMPP!!”

(Lenny heard, “Leave Or Eat.”)

The Child Ogre screeched in haughty rage, “You speak to me in civil tongue, Lowlife Scum!” Shaking its finger like an angry Aunty, it ranted, “You are in so much trouble! Look at this mess! Look at my captives! Look at what you’ve done here!”

Flesh-Mountain scratched his head and looked around at the broken trees strewn about, leftovers from the creatures’ dramatic entrance. “LLAWW CCUURRSSHEDD YYOOUU??”

“I am not cursed, you imbecile!” the Child Ogre shouted. “I am, uh, Kuuurrrrgghhh, daughter of,” (she cleared her throat), “daughter of Blllrrcchhggrrrmpphh,” (it ended with a kind of spitting sound), “lord of the Frozen Wastes of the Black Ocean! So YOU are NOT within the Llaww, you illiterate rock-heads! My father will bring the armies of the Black Sea against you if you touch me. OR my minions! And now I have to go catch them again!  AARRRRGGHHH!!”

Flesh-Mountain was still scratching his head. He found…something, and popped it into his mouth.

The Short One looked back and forth, back and forth, between the Child and Flesh-Mountain, like he had no idea what to do with all this new information. “WWHATT SSHAAYY LLAAWW??” 

Flesh-Mountain bent down close to the Child, sniffing. Kohra could hear snot gurgling in his oversized nostrils, like a cow snorting pudding through a straw. “YOOOuuuuu Sssmmeellllll ELLLFFF. AANNDDD SPPEaaaeeeeaakkkkk HHOOOMMMaaaaannnn!!!!”

“Yes, because I am an ASSASSIN!” The Child-Ogre rolled her eyes in frustration like she couldn’t believe how stupid they were. “Gods! How do you even remember to BREATHE?” Then she punched him right in the face, as hard as she could.

“TTOOO WWEEEEEAKKK FOR AssssaaassssINNnnnn!” he laughed, stomping around in mirth, shaking the entire forest. For some reason, he found this absolutely hilarious. The Short One started laughing too, punching himself in the face repeatedly with loud squishy SMACKS. “ASSSHHAAASSSHHIINNN!” he chortled. 

The Child Ogre whacked Flesh-Mountain again, this time with a tree branch, cracking it right into the smashed cartilage that seemed to be his nose. “Yes, you sub-intelligent cretin! To be an Assassin, you can’t stomp around and smash everything! It’s not about strength, you moronic mountain of pulchritude! You have to blend.”

The two Ogres stared, not understanding at all what she was saying, but mesmerized by the word deluge. This was more words than they encountered in a typical year. 

“YYOOUUU TTOOO SSHHMMAALLLL!” the Short One grunted, stabbing at her chest with a finger. The Child fell into the dirt, but was back on her feet in an instant.

“You touch me again with that finger and I will feed it to your friend here before I slit your throat,” the Child growled in a low voice. The Short One wavered, uncertain. 

“SSHQQUAAASSHHH?” he asked Flesh-Mountain. “LLAAWW?”

The Child responded instantly, “Llaww says that my mission must be fulfilled. I have a very, very important person to assassinate, and YOU imbeciles are making me late! I’m going to put you on the Black List! So OUT OF MY WAY!” She ended with an unhinged screech like she was just about to lose her temper completely. 

“YYYOOuuuu SSSTTtooooRRRYYYY MMAAKKEEE SSOMmmeee SSseeNNNSSSeee,” Flesh-Mountain concluded thoughtfully. He slammed a heavy paw onto the shoulder of the Short One. “THISSS DDAYY OF NNEEWWWW LLlAaaWW.”

The Short One shook his fist at the sky with a low howl.

(Lenny heard, “Praise Llaww! All blood, one blood!”)

Then the Short One addressed the Child Ogre more formally. “YYOOUU GGOOO NNOOWWW. FFIINNNIISSSHHH MMISSHHHIONNN. WWEEE EEEATTT JJUUSSSHHTTT ONE. LLAWW SSHHAAAYYSSSHH.”

The Child stomped, crossing her arms and looking very much the petulant brat. “NO you lower life-form, you CANNOT eat my minions! Not one! Go find your own food!”

The two huge brutes stood, uncertain, looking back and forth between themselves, her, and the Little Hoomans scattered around. They weren’t used to this much thinking.

The Short One scratched his head with a nearby log. He was starting to get angry.

“LLAWW CCLLLEEARRR. SSHTTTROONNGGG EEEATT WWWEEEAKK. HHONNNORRR HHHOLLYYY QQQUUESSSHT.”

He paused for several long seconds, his tired brain straining to take the next step in the chain of logic. 

“WWEEE EEEATTT OONNNE WWEEEAKKESSHTT. LLAWW SSHHAAAYYSSSHH.”

He looked up at Flesh-Mountain, who made a sound like pig slop being poured out of fifty buckets.

(Lenny heard, “Sound Reasoning, Briggaxz! Praise Llaww!”)

“Then eat the bloody cows!” the Child yelled. 

“CCCOOOOOOWWWWSSSSSS!!????!!!!” Flesh-Mountain boomed. A moment later, the echo returned from the hills, like distant thunder.

“Yes! Fat, delicious cows! A whole herd of them! Didn’t you see the, uhhh, caravan? It’s just over that hill! About 5 miles!” She pointed to the South, toward the now-distant road and distinctly away from the direction their own horses had run. “Horses! Pigs! Human children! And they’re alone! Their parents were killed! You better hurry! If you don’t eat them, someone else surely will!”

That did it. Flesh-Mountain grabbed his tree and the Short One slung his carcass back over his shoulder, then shook his fist to the sky and belched. 

(Lenny heard, “One Blood, All Blood!!”)

Kohra watched them stomp away, shaking the ground and crashing indiscriminately through the trees. They started grumbling again in their own language. The Short One burst into howls of laughter as they got further away. She wondered what was so funny.

(Lenny heard, “Weirdest TrueSpirit I ever saw too! And such rude manners! Kids these days; they get worse every generation. She even seemed to LIKE her hoomans! Hahahaha! Hoomans are so dumb!!”)

Then the Child Ogre disappeared, Lenny crumpling to the ground in its place. Kohra rushed over, bending close to her face. She gestured “stop” to the others, murmuring, “She’s asleep.”

“Prrraise d’Light,” Gorb muttered under his breath. 

Kohra had a weird feeling, momentarily. Gorb sounded so similar to…. She shook her head. There was a world of difference between Gorb’s Light and those brutes’ barbaric LLAWW. Wasn’t there?

Lenny’s eyes fluttered open. It took her a few seconds to focus. She licked her lips. “Did it work?”

And then they were all shouting and laughing, hugging her.

“Brilliant!”

“You were amazing!!” 

“How did you….” 

“That was incredible!”

After the excitement subsided a little, Gorb interjected. “Ye know, dos brrrrutes might come back, when dey kinna find any carrrravan.”

“They might forget where we are, or think it’s the LLaaWW,” Devona suggested. “Ogres are really dumb, you know. I learned all about them.”

Lenny smirked. Kohra wondered what that meant, but she had a feeling that Ogres might be more intelligent than people gave them credit for. She hadn’t even known they could speak. Ogres were supposed to be mindless eating and hard-labour machines, bred to dig vast tunnels deep into the Earth, even into the DarkSky. Anyway, now was definitely not the time for a debate on the intellect of the Ogre species.

Slowly, Lenny got to her feet, wobbly but determined. “Gorb’s right, we can’t stay.”

“But our horses!” Kohra reminded them. 

“Right!” Dominic replied, realizing that at that moment, everybody needed guidance. This was what wilderness emergency training had prepared him for; in a crisis situation, most people need someone to take charge. “Okay, everybody,” he started, trying to sound calm and confident. “Here’s what we have to do. First, is everybody okay? Anybody injured? Kohra, your leg! Don’t get up! Devona, you and Melkorn take care of that.”

Kohra looked down. Her leg was cut above the knee, blood dripping down.

“Melkorn! Here!” Dominic threw Melkorn a small bundle, which he missed. He bent down to pick it off the ground, overbalanced, and fell right on top of Devona. Dominic almost succeeded in keeping a straight face. “Clean Kohra’s leg, and bandage it good and tight.”

“Reilly, we have to get those horses back, fast! They’re probably not far. Go! Use your animal power thingy and get them to come back and help us! Keep your Wand out. Blow up ANYTHING that threatens you.”

He took a deep breath, then pointed at the various bits of equipment that were strewn about. “Gorb! You’re in charge of equipment. We need to move out as soon as Reilly gets back.” Gorb nodded and immediately started gathering up their stuff.

“And Lenny.” 

She looked at him defiantly, wobbling after Reilly. “I’m helping Reilly.”

“No.” 

“Yes! We need to be fast!”

“No.” He clearly wasn’t backing down. “You really need rest. If those ogres come back…. Just, rest.” 

As he was talking, he led her to the side of the path, and helped her lie down, bundling up his cloak as a pillow. 

Lenny nodded, her eyes already closing.