193) The Salvation of Eden, Chapter 26 -- Big Kitty

Dominic was getting nervous. They were thick in the forest. It was completely dark. They were all ready to drop. And they hadn’t set up any kind of camp. But they couldn’t stop here. It was far too dangerous, stuck in heavy bush, with zero maneuverability and no way to see an attacker coming.

         They couldn’t keep going either. Forests came alive in an entirely different way in the night, and he had no sense of this one, no intuition about where to go, where the dangers were. They were going to walk right into a carnivorous tree, or worse.

         He pressed on for a few more minutes, and as if by magic, the forest broke into open field. They were out! He promptly went down on one knee, picking a fingerful of dirt and bringing it to his lips, then scattering it onto the ground. It was important to preserve the Ways, just as it was important to preserve the trails and runs in a forest.

         “Look!” Kohra pointed to the horizon. The characteristic shapes of barns and silos stood silhouetted against the skyline, and where she was pointing, the patch of sky was a different color, glowing a mild yellow as though from hundreds of torches. “That must be Annuvin! We’re going to make it!”

         “No guys, we have to stay here,” Dominic responded dully. “I’m sorry.”

         “But we’re so close!” she pleaded, putting as much desperation into her voice as she could. Which was a lot. “Come onnnnn, Dom.”

         “No, he’s right,” Lenny declared. “Those lights are miles away, it’s night, we’re done for, and we don’t know this country at all. Chances of us running into trouble between here and there? I’d say…93.83642%.” She winked ironically, although in the darkness, only Kohra, who was looking right at her, saw it.

         “Aye,” Gorb agreed, sinking down to the ground, leaning against his pack. “I’m rrright done in.”

         Kohra gave up, clearly outvoted. Even Big Kitty looked beat, already stretched out in the long grass, Reilly asleep on his head.

         “Let’s set up a quick camp,” Kohra suggested. Camping with Dom was one activity she did feel competent doing.

         Dominic bent down, letting Arrowhead slither onto the ground. “Happy hunting, buddy,” he murmured with a smile. Arrowhead raised his head momentarily, then slipped into the darkness.

         Dominic turned to Kohra. “I agree. Let’s gather some wood first. Enough for three fires.”

         “Three?” she asked.

         He nodded. “We won’t light them unless we need to, but if something comes, we light ‘em up.” He raised his hands into the air, fluttering his fingers and making explosion sounds.

         Kohra nodded. This was a common tactic against wild animals. The trick was in being able to light them up quickly enough, but with Lenny and Dev’s Shaping abilities, not to mention Dom and her skills with a tinderbox, they’d be okay. “We’ll help!” Kohra raised her and Devona’s hands together.

         Devona smiled at the unexpected movement, and Kohra felt a surge of warmth in her chest. It was hard being so close to Dev, and yet knowing she was still so far away. But hey, this was feedback. Dev was still in there, responding to her. She just needed time. After all that happened today, the right thing to do is just be here, be present, let her know that I care.

         “I’ll prrrep some food,” Gorb offered quietly. He was clearly not himself. He had lost even his normal grumbliness. It was more than exhaustion. He seemed hollow.

         Soon they had scavenged enough wood to build three fire stacks, forming a triangle that outlined the perimeter of their impromptu “camp.” Kohra looked at the clear sky, no clouds obscuring the pink flows. At least it shouldn’t rain tonight.

         As they sat back down to partake of Gorb’s meager offering — bread, a few nuts and slices of strong cheese — Lenny’s loud snore broke the silence from her sprawled perch on the cat’s back. Kohra and Dom chuckled. Gorb and Devona both stared, absently chewing.

         The night felt heavy and cold, like a wet blanket. They shivered, snuggling against Big Kitty for warmth. 

         As Kohra was about to drift off, she remembered, Oh yeah, Big Kitty. Ugh…this is going to suck.

         “Reilly?” No response. She stood up to gently shake the girl. “Reilly?”

         “Mmm-yammmhhhh?”

         “Reilly,” she whispered directly into her ear. “Wake up for a sec, okay?”

         “MMmmm, what?” Reilly mumbled. “Is it morning?”

         “No, I just have to ask you…. Um, it’s important Reilly. How long, uh, do you know how long your Druid-trick lasts?”

         The little girl didn’t answer.

         “Reilly, this is important. Come on….”

         Silence.

         “Reilly, I know you’re not asleep.”

         “No! I won’t let him go!”     

         “Reilly —”

         “He’s my friend! He saved our lives!”

         “Yes he did,” Kohra said gently. “And so did you.”

         Reilly sniffled; she knew what was coming.

         “When you learned this Druid, uh, trick, did they tell you how it works? Like, how long it lasts?”

         Reilly stuck out her lower lip in defiance. “I can’t tell you. Druid Secrets.”

         Kohra pressed on. “Hey, I’m not asking you to tell me any secrets, okay? I promise. But did the Druids tell you what to expect when it wears off? It has to end sometime. Nothing lasts forever.”

         “The Flux lasts forever,” Lenny chimed in from the back of the cat, evidently no longer asleep.

         Kohra paused, wondering. Was that true? It did jive with her limited studies. The Flux was said to be the energy, or essence, of Chaos, the Divine Movement that gave rise to existence in the first place. Philosophers believed that the Flux itself, the primordial chaos, was eternal. The only true Unchanging thing, was Chaos itself.

         Kohra liked thinking about these types of things. If the essence of all things is the “magic” of the Flux, then it meant that she, too, was magical. She WAS the Flux! Granted, she had little idea what that really meant, but she liked the mind-blown feeling she got when she had epiphanies like this.

         But, what was she supposed to be doing in that moment? Lenny had said something that distracted her, and…. Oh, right, Reilly. “Come on Reilly, what happens when it wears off?”

         Reilly didn’t answer for a full minute, staring intently at the sky while Kohra stared intently at her. Finally she mumbled in a low, almost inaudible voice. “He goes b… to dwlwlllll.”

         “What?” Kohra asked. “Honestly Reilly, I can’t hear you.”

         The little girl balled her fists, spitting the words out. “He goes back to the wild!”

         Kohra nodded. She didn’t know what to say next.

         Lenny however, had no problem knowing what to say next. “And then what happens? Will Big Kitty eat Lenny? Nom nom nom….”

         “Shut up Lenny!” Reilly yelled. “Big Kitty is my friend!” The cat raised his head, a low growl emanating from his throat.

         “It’s okay, Big Kitty.” Reilly clung tightly, burying her face in his mane.

         Kohra spoke softly. “But Reilly, we don’t know that Big Kitty will still be our friend when he returns to the Wild, right? He’s lived out here a long time. He doesn’t really know us. He might…you know, turn on us.”

         She reached up and stroked the little girl’s hair. “It’s okay. It’s okay if we say goodbye. We have to eventually. And it’s best for Big Kitty. This is where he lives. I mean, he can’t exactly come to Annuvin with us. He’d hardly fare very well in there!” Kohra paused. “Well actually, Big Kitty would probably be fine; I’m not so sure about the Annuvin-ites though.” She smiled, making a quiet “nom nom nom” sound, like Lenny.

         Reilly giggled. Then she threw her arms around the cat’s muscled neck. “Oh Big Kitty! I want to be your friend forever!” Long moments passed; Kohra waited patiently. Reilly usually just needed some time when she was feeling strong emotions.

         “Kohra?” she asked in a small voice.

         “Yeah?” Kohra kept stroking her hair.

         “Can we wait ’til morning? I think Big Kitty will be, you know, friendly, for at least a day. We’re safe ’til morning for sure.”

         “Okay.” Kohra smiled. “Besides, he’s warm.”

         “Great!” Dominic grumped from the dark. “Can you all shut up now and get some sleep?”

* * * * *

         He woke them back up a few hours later, right as the first birds were announcing the dawn. Everyone groaned, stretching sore and stiff muscles, shivering in the early morning mist.

         Reilly stood in front of Big Kitty’s face, like when she’d first tamed him, and scratched behind his ears. He purred while tears streamed down her cheeks. “Big Kitty, you have to go now. You have to go. You remember? You remember other kitties? Like you? Go find them. Go find a real home.” She placed her hand on his muzzle, like their first touch, and felt the Heart-bond, still strong.

         Maybe she should just keep him? Maybe this Connection would last forever? But no, she knew she had to let him go. She just didn’t want to.

         “Choice is the bridge.” Another Druid saying. She didn’t really understand that one either. Maybe it meant she had to choose to let Big Kitty go?

         She closed her eyes, both hands on the cat’s furry cheeks, and imagined him, running across a grassy plain, stalking deer, loping along with a pride of other big kitties. She felt his emotions respond, stirred by her own feelings of longing for family.

         Right now, she felt like she wanted to cry, both for her own loss and for her deep desire that this magnificent animal, her Friend, finally find happiness with his own kind. He couldn’t be her family, as much as she wanted him to be. But maybe he could find his own.

         She willed, “Goodbye.”

         The cat stood up. Lenny, still asleep, rolled off his back and slid to the ground. “Mmmmmpphhh!” Then she turned over and went back to sleep.

         “Now go,” Reilly said, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I love you Big Kitty.”

         The great cat looked at each of them, one by one. He nuzzled Reilly. She patted his head. And then he was gone — a few soundless steps into the mist, and then nothing.

         Reilly sat on the ground, resting her head against Devona’s shoulder and wrapping her little arms around herself. Her shoulders shook as she sniffled. She didn’t want anyone to know she was crying, as though this was something she could hide.

         Kohra draped her cloak over the girls’ shoulders. A minute later, they were both asleep, still leaning against each other.

         “It’s okay,” she whispered to Dominic. “We’re in no hurry now anyway.” He nodded, and together they watched the brightening sky.

         Nobody noticed Gorb; he was so quiet. Unable to sleep, he had spent the entire night praying, pouring out his anguish over what he had done, asking the Light to let him atone, somehow.

         Something had broken inside him, and he didn’t know what to do about it. The grief. The guilt. The terrible aloneness, knowing not only that he’d been cut off from the Light, but that he deserved it.

         He had killed that man in cold blood. The fight had already been over. He just couldn’t stop himself. Or didn’t stop himself. Despite the horror he felt, there was also some part of him that was glad he’d done it. He could easily justify it.

         But could he? Who was he to make the decision to end a person’s life, to take away all possibility they may ever redeem themselves? Who gave him the right to snuff out a candle he had taken no part in lighting?

         He wavered back and forth, between feeling that what he had done was justified, even righteous, and knowing that no, he had not been following the Light; incontrovertibly, he’d been following his own desire for vengeance.

         No. It was even worse than that. Far worse. His sin, his terrible, awful sin, ran far deeper than “righteous vengeance.” He remembered the moment, that thrilling, intoxicating rush, holding that rock high above his head, hearing Devona beg for him to stop, seeing the terrified whites of the hermit’s eyes. He remembered it all.

         He’d felt the Connection. As palpably as he ever had with the Light, he felt It. Whatever That was, ohhhh, the way it stirred him. He had given himself over to it, not reluctantly, but gleefully.

         The feeling of that rough rock in his hands. The power coursing through his muscles. The fear in those eyes. The tension in his fingers. The roaring. Yes, YES!

         That one, single second, one second of action, of death, of bones crunching and brains and the sweet taste of blood.

         He’d felt like a God.

         And then it was over.

         All he had seen in front of him was red, terrible, unfathomable red. But he’d refused to close his eyes, refused to look away from what he had done, at WHO he had revealed himself to be.

         Thus, Gorb had prayed, all night while the others slept, his grief stronger even than his exhaustion. Alone.